November 24, 2008 Dear Jasmine

This week Jasmine, Sandy’s Poodle, has taken over the column and wishes to answer the burning questions dogs have asked her.

Dear Jasmine,
I’m a Labrador retriever, and I love to play in water, but my humans think this means I should like the stuff with the bubbles they force me into!
How do I make them understand playing in water is not the same as that B-A-T-H thing they keep whispering about? Besides, just when I’ve worked so hard at "getting that smell I like" on me, mom takes me to the groomer and stinks me all up again?Signed,
Bubble Hater

Dear Bubble Hater,
I totally understand your predicament. I too am a water dog and my human doesn’t even have to spell the word, she just gets this “look” and I know what she’s thinking. I do my best to hide from her when that happens.
The best advice I can give you is to get revenge. When you are really good and wet and they get close to you to wash your paws, give a good shake and get them wet too!
That should show them it’s not fun to have water forced on you. After you are clean and dry, run outside and find the nearest mud puddle or pile of manure or better yet, a dead animal and roll all over it! That will make you feel better and smell like the dog you are.
Good luck!
Jasmine.

Dear Jasmine,
I’m a Chihuahua and holy frijoles am I having human trouble! My Mamacita got very mad at me. All I did was lift my leg on the new sofa to mark that it belongs to me. She came running after me with a rolled up newspaper! Aye yi yi! I ran out the door to get away! Why is my Mamacita so mad?
Paco the petrified!

Dear Petrified,
For some reason humans don’t understand that dogs, especially male dogs, like to show how macho they are by marking things. Do yourself a favor Paco; mark the area outside of your house instead of inside. If you don’t, you may have a visit to the vet soon for something they call “neutering”. Just trust me Paco…don’t mark in the house anymore.
Jasmine


Dear Jasmine,Why do my mom and dad think that just because I haven't learned something *yet* it doesn't mean that I *can't* learn? It's like they think I can speak English and just choose not to. Will you ask them to put more effort into learning how to speak dog so we can communicate more easily? They totally misunderstand "chewed shoe" language, and "butt sniffing" is simply beyond their comprehensive capabilities, but I'm determined to keep trying! Please help.
Feeling Foreign

Dear Feeling Foreign,
There isn’t a canine in the world who doesn’t relate to you my friend. However, humans are very different. It’s funny, they call us dumb animals, yet they can’t speak dog! I’m the greeter at my house and for some reason; nobody appreciates my “warm nose in your rear” greeting. After all, that’s just like a handshake to them. Dogs sniff, humans shake. Humans can’t help their ignorance. Humor them with an occasional lick on the cheek and wag your tail a lot. That seems to keep them happy.
Jasmine


Dear Jasmine, Why can people can walk around with treats in their pockets and not share with us. We're told to play nice and share, why doesn't this apply to those sweet little round things called "candy"? Why does my Mom say chocolate is bad? She eats it (oh boy, does she ever!)
Signed, Coco the deprived dog

Dear Deprived,
I feel your pain my friend. When they do give you a treat they make your work for it and do tricks. Nobody makes THEM do tricks to eat a piece of candy! Chocolate (the dark bakers kind especially) is bad for us, trust me, you do NOT want to go to the vet after you’ve gotten into the brownies! What they do to you at the vet is much worse than avoiding the stuff.
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine,
Why do humans get so upset at the things we eat? I love “kitty crunchies” from the litter box! They eat stuff that we wouldn’t touch all the time like lettuce, celery, and other stuff that has no flavor.
Signed,
Cat Lover

Dear Cat Lover,
Humans just don’t get that we like to eat stuff that smells and has some strong odors! What we eat is directly related to how it smells. The stronger it smells, the more we like it! My mom put the litter box up high where I can’t get to it anymore. Darn!
Humans are just simple-minded creatures and we have to learn to live with them. We have to eat boring stuff to keep them happy. It’s a dog’s life.
Jasmine