October 27, 2008 Wife Swap?

October 27, 2008

Wife Swap?

Well this day fits in the “it could only happen to me” file.
I check my email and get this invitation to be on the ABC series “Wife Swap” on Fridays at 8 pm. This series is about families who trade moms to see how the other folks live and then halfway through the week, they change the rules and you have to live by the new mom’s rules. Amazingly, they are looking for a family that has a pet boutique, and has at least one child between the ages of 7 and 17. Well, I fit that description, and I’m sure they won’t choose me but of course, I got a big giggle out of it, and some friends put my name in anyway!
My husband got a huge grin on his face when I told him and he said sign up! He is under the assumption he will get someone “better” than what he has, oh poor misguided soul!
Now unless the woman who takes my place can groom dogs, run a salon, and homeschool her kids, I can’t foresee anyone taking my place at all. Not to mention run a houseful of pets and do it all without a husband around because he works seven days a week and is on the fire department, so even when he’s home, he’s usually out on a run or at a meeting. Yeah, good luck getting some help from him!
On the down side, I could see some woman coming in and being horrified that my house isn’t as pristine or kept as Martha Stewarts, and with a houseful of pets, plus the ones I groom, if you think my house doesn’t have pet hair in it, you are sorely mistaken! If I took the time to clean all the pet hair up, there wouldn’t be any time to groom or homeschool the kids, or do any of the millions of things I do but can’t think of right now.
Meanwhile I’m thinking if I get to step into the shoes of my polar opposite, for me this can’t be a bad thing. Maybe I’ll get the life of a pampered princess of a woman who probably has a housekeeper full time, and spends her days at the salon getting her nails done and a massage. Yep, for sure the person who gets my life is getting the short end of the stick!
I can’t think of any life that I couldn’t handle. Hard working? Sure, no problem! Lots of pets and squirrelly kids? Let me at ‘em! I’ve done plenty of hard jobs in my life, I’ve had farm animals, pigs, chickens, ducks, guineas, horses, miniature horses, llamas, you name it, and it’s been at my house. If it hasn’t, then I can manage anyway.
There haven’t been too many grungy jobs I haven’t tried either. I’ve cleaned pit toilets at Turkey Run State Park. Top that!
If by some reason they end up picking my family, my fear is they would get a person who keeps house like Martha Stewart and cooks a lot. That is something I’m sure my family could get used to, but how much fun would she be? Would she be able to write a book? Write a column? Laugh daily at herself? I may have my shortcomings, but thank God, I have a sense of humor about it!
For instance, this morning I was trying to reach Arnett Clinic, or Clarian Health or whatever they are called now, about some x-rays of my shoulder. The nurse had left a message on my answering machine a couple of times telling me to call them back for the results. Honestly, do I care if they blurt out my test results on my machine? It’s my shoulder for heaven’s sake and my phone; it’s not as if it’s a big secret. So I call the Otterbein clinic and am now greeted by a machine, press this to reach this . . . I press the number to get x-ray results and it says to speak to the desk press *, which I do and it says we can’t transfer you at this time, to go to the main menu press 1.
I can see this is getting me nowhere, so I call the main number for Arnett and tell them my dilemma, the woman says, “hold on and I’ll transfer you”. Then someone answers. “This is Dave”, I say, “Hi Dave, are you with the radiology department?” He says, “No ma’am, this is Caterpillar”. “Oh, well then Dave I guess you don’t have my x-ray results then do you.” I say laughingly. “No ma’am I don’t” “Sorry Dave, Arnett Clinic transferred me to you somehow.”
So, I call Arnett back and say, “Oops you goofed, you sent me to Caterpillar.” “No ma’am, that must’ve been someone else, what do you need?” and we get to go through the entire scenario again. Finally, I get to the right person and she is able to let me speak to the nurse who called me, and I get my answer of my x-ray, “Sandy they found nothing wrong at all on your x-ray”. “So that explains the knot on my shoulder and the pain” Must be in my head right? Sigh.
Guess I’ll take some ibuprofen and forget about it.
Meanwhile, I decide to hem up my new jeans that are supposed to be short length but are 6 inches too long. Why do jeans makers think if you have a big butt, you must also have long legs?
So, I grab a pair of jeans and I am on the phone doing my normal multi-tasking and I get 4 inches cut off, and sew up the hem and I turn them right-side out only to discover they aren’t my jeans but my sons!
About this time, he walks into the room and I bust out laughing. This is one of those it could only happen to me moments. Luckily, I didn’t cut off too much and his needed a little trim too, he just can’t grow anymore or he’ll look like a geek.
Wife Swap, bring it on! I double dog dare anyone to take my place and make it look easy. If they have a better way to do things, I’m game to learn it! Meanwhile I’ll enjoy my life on the beach they call their family to see how the other half lives! However, don’t hold your breath, I’m sure once they get a view of my life they’ll avoid us at all costs! Even T.V. can’t come up with a reality series as crazy as my life! Nobody would believe it!